In Pieces
by garganta
Summary: A heart is shattered and the only person able to mend the pieces was left when she lost her own. Alex/Piper, AU
1. The Heartbreak

The weather seemed to mock her. It was supposed to be rainy; it was supposed to be cloudy. The sun had no reason whatsoever to be out on a day like this. Her heart was ripped out, a hole of nothingness now in its place. She didn't feel anymore. With _him_ gone, there was nothing left anymore. _He_ was a mistake, an accident at first; a result of her carelessness. But over time she grew used to the fact that he was there, that there would soon be a part of her out there in this big world. Her best friend Polly and she would go out and look for all the things he would need. She remembered how she would get more and more excited with every passing day. Despite having been alone in this, the more days passed, the more confident she started to feel about it. Of course, Polly helped her a lot and even her mother would help her out. Cal would sometimes accompany her to her gynecologist when Polly or her mom weren't available. She was never lonely.

She remembered how she wept when she saw the first ultrasound image of him. She remembered the first time she heard his heartbeat. She remembered the tears when she found out the gender. All of these moments were branded into her memory for eternity. Never would those moments fade away, never would she forget these moments.

Or the moment when she heard his first cries and held him, _touched_ him for the first time. She remembered the waves of emotions crashing through her being when she fed him for the first time. When she took him home for the first time; tucked him in, in his own crib for the first time.

And here she was, three years later, dressed in black with other people dressed in black, in a graveyard on a sunny day. Her once vivid blue eyes were empty, rimmed red, sore from crying. The supposedly comforting words being read from the bible were white noise for her as she stared at it; everything around her was blurring and fading as nothing else existed but her and the coffin.

It was too small. No being so small should ever have to lie in a coffin; least of all when it was her own. Her own child was laying in it, her own baby boy. She didn't understand, couldn't fathom what it was she did that made fate be so cruel to her.

Here she was, 28 years old, and she had to bury her own son; a child of three years.

Her entire being was numb. She had no more tears left, no will to go on. For the past week her entire life seemed to go on in autopilot. People were talking, but she didn't understand a word. The food Polly made her eat tasted bland; the water she drank left her throat still dry. Her sleep didn't take away her tiredness and yet and the days were too colorful and bright in comparison to the grey that engulfed her being.

She was pulled from her thoughts when Polly tugged at her arm.

"It's done, Pipes." Her voice was soft, slightly scratchy from the tears and sobs.

Blinking, she turned to her friend. "What?"

"It is over. We have…we have to go to the reception now."

Her gaze turned back to the coffin. He would be buried any moment now. He would be gone forever.

A sob escaped her, followed by another and another. She couldn't stop it, she wanted it to stop but she couldn't. "He's gone." Her voice was a whisper, full of anguish and despair. "He's gone and he won't come back…" She wanted to run her fingers through his blonde hair again, she wanted to kiss his face and tickle him and make him squeal in laughter. She wanted to tuck him in and read him his favorite bedtime stories.

But she couldn't. She would never again be able to do those things, never smell his baby shampoo on him again; never dress him up in those smart and ridiculously cute looking clothes.

"My baby boy…"

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see her father, his eyes watery and a heartbroken look on his face and it made her cry more as she clutched onto him, desperate and broken, in pieces.

She didn't know how she was supposed to survive this. It was beyond her how a person could live on with this kind of pain, with this kind of agony.

Her father was leading her to the car. "Can you drive me home? Please?" She couldn't deal with the reception, with those people. Polly offered to have the reception at her place so Piper's home wouldn't be disrupted. The blonde wouldn't be in any way able to deal with so many people at her apartment, at the place where she was playing with her son just a few days before.

"Piper-" Her mother wanted to object but her father agreed quickly with Piper before shooting his ex-wife a death glare. Even after her grandson died she still thought it important to make a good impression.

The blonde thanked her father as he helped her into the car and she leaned against its window, staring into the cemetery; her son's new home. Her lower lip trembled, a whimper rising in her throat but she squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath.

It was too much. All of this was just too much.

* * *

><p>She closed the door to her apartment behind her. It was silent; empty. From now on, she would have to get used to this. No greeting the babysitter, no tiny voice screaming <em>mommy<em> as tiny arms hugged her around her legs, before she picked the small body up and hugged it tightly against her.

Her apartment would be empty from now on.

She dropped her clutch to the floor, not caring much for it as she made a beeline to the small playroom where a small mattress was, just in case when James would decide to take a spontaneous nap. He often would do this, in the middle of playing just nodding off. Sometimes it would annoy her because he didn't get any lighter and Piper Chapman was known for many things but her nonexistent strength wasn't it. Sometimes it was funny, because she would find him in the weirdest of positions and she would take pictures. Later though she decided that she would just buy a small and fluffy mattress for him to lie in if he ever would get suddenly tired again in the middle of his playtime.

She laid down on it, curling into a small ball as she clutched her boy's blanket to her chest, inhaling the scent that still faintly lingered on it. At first she didn't want to touch his things in case they would lose his smell but she gave in.

Her eyes burned again. It had to be inhuman, producing so many tears. She couldn't remember the last day she spent without crying. It had to be ages away, far in the past. Forgotten were the days when everything was right; when the world was right. Forgotten were the days when the world's being colorful and bright wasn't offensive, when the laughter and cries of children didn't make her cry, when she was still a mother.

All she could do now was to lie on his mattress and hold his blanket.

* * *

><p>The next days passed in a blur. It wasn't because they were particularly exciting or distracting; they did drag on and on and never seemed to end.<p>

It was because they didn't seem to differ in any way. It was the same routine, over and over, not changing, always grey, always bland. She didn't live. She barely functioned. Her mind didn't work; it was off and far away. All the things she was doing she did on autopilot, recalling things from memory. She ate, because her memory told her it was something she had to do. She worked and her memory brought things up for her to use and utilize. She drank because her memory made her do it.

But she didn't talk. She nodded and shook her head but she didn't talk. Her voice was something foreign to her and she feared that the moment she would open her mouth she would cry. She didn't know if she had any tears left but it was always a possibility.

She saved her voice and tears for her daily visits. It was the only time the grey seemed to fade. A headstone with a small grave, flowers adorning it. Flowers from her.

She remembered when Pete told James that when he got older he would have to give flowers to his favorite girl. James, as sweet as he was, picked up the next flower he saw and brought it to Piper, telling her that she was his favorite girl. She bought him his favorite ice cream later, even though the weather was quite fresh.

So she brought dandelions she would pick up on her way and lay them in front of his headstone, every day, just like she did now.

Her hand clutched a small bouquet of the yellow flowers as she was in front of his grave.

No parent should ever have to bury their own child and yet, here she was, in front of the grave of her son. She placed the dandelions in front of his headstone next to the others as she sat down, doing nothing but staring. She stared at the headstone, the way she did yesterday and the day before.

The sobs followed soon, bottled up over the day and she let her head hang, her hair shielding her face as she cried.

Time lost all meaning as tear streaks stained her face, as she cried her heart out. She didn't know if it was minutes or hours that passed, but she started to calm down, her tears for the day spent. Leaning forward, she touched the gravestone with her fingers, gently caressing the smooth surface.

"I miss you, baby boy…" Her voice sounded foreign to her, rough and scratchy from the lack of use, but James was always lulled to sleep fast when she read him his favorite bedtime stories with her soft voice. He deserved to hear it, wherever he was now.

He deserved to know that she missed him terribly, that she wanted him back.

A shaky sigh escaped her as she stared at the headstone.

She got up and, with one last glace, headed back home.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This was by far the most emotional thing I have ever written in ever. Seriously, this is beyond hard and heavy, writing something like that. <strong>

**Don't accept any quick updates for this though, my priorities still lie with PIC and CT and the next chapter for YBH. I just had to write this down because the idea was in my head and if I didn't put this on digital paper soon I would have gone crazy. **

**Also, the chapters, for this will be, when they come, shorter than what you are used to with this and I don't think there will be more than 5 in total. This will be short and heavy. Can't say when I'll be done with this though.**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and that I made you cry. Please review and tell me if I at least was able to make your eyes teary.**


	2. The Interlude

Piper Chapman functioned through the motions of world; went with the flow. Her life ended when James was taken from her. It had been half a year since she buried her child and every day after work she would visit his grave. She didn't know how to feel joy anymore. She didn't know how to feel _anything _anymore. She didn't go out anymore and she didn't remember when the last time was she slept in her own bed. She was always in his playroom, imagining him playing with his toys, laughing. She imagined how he would walk up to her, show her something he drew.

Her life revolved around her fantasy world- a world in which he was still alive.

Her friends and family grew more concerned with each passing month, urging her to go out, meet people, start to _live_ again but she either shrugged them off or ignored them. There was nothing left to live for anymore.

During the six months she started to drink more and more. It wasn't even a conscious thing; she just started without thinking about it and it became a habit- go to work, visit his grave, start drinking and sleep in his playroom.

Her habit soon became second nature to her. There was rarely a day anymore when there wouldn't be empty bottles of all kinds of alcohol lying around in her apartment.

One day, after a particularly bad night, she missed work. It wasn't the first time, but it was the amount of days she missed work over the past two weeks that brought Polly to her doorstep in the middle of the day. The blonde had a bad hangover, with the lights being too bright and the birds being too noisy. The fact that the knocks against her door seemed more persistent than necessary didn't help matters.

Piper swayed a little when she got up, dry heaved a couple of times before taking a deep breath and walked towards the door. She opened it and attempted a smile at the furious looking redhead before stepping aside to let her in.

"Jesus, you look like shit." Polly looked around the apartment at the empty beer cans and vodka bottles. "Your apartment looks like shit."

"Thanks…" The blonde muttered.

The redhead turned to her friend and sighed. She wanted to be angry with her, she really did, but what the blonde had to endure was something she couldn't even try to understand. Polly couldn't be angry with her when she herself couldn't honestly say that she wouldn't try to cope the way Piper would. But she knew that it was wrong, that it didn't help the blonde in any way. Polly knew that what Piper did bordered on alcoholism- if it wasn't already alcoholism. The blonde needed help and Polly needed to make her understand.

"Sit down, Pipes. I'll bring you water and clean up a little here and then we need to talk." She cupped her friend's cheeks before pulling her into a hug. "I love you, okay?"

Piper returned the hug halfheartedly before pulling away and walking over to James's playroom. She hadn't cleaned the room since she fell asleep here on the day of his funeral. She sat down on his mattress and stared at the toys still scattered on the floor and closed her fist around the locked hanging on her neck. It was a simple thing- a thin, golden chain, the locket heart shaped. In it was a picture of them both; her smooching his cheek while he grinned into the camera.

Suddenly she felt sober again. Her head wasn't swimming, her stomach wasn't revolting. The sound of cans and bottles being thrown into a garbage bag suddenly wasn't too loud. She felt lonely. She missed her son. She wanted him back. She wanted to kill the drunk truck driver who ignored the red light and crashed into their car. She wanted to yell and throw and break things at the unfairness that she got away with just a few bruises but that her son was taken from her in an instant. She wanted to die and just be with Jamie again.

The mattress shifted to the side when Polly joined her, throwing an arm over Piper's shoulder and pulling her close. The blonde rested her head on her best friend's shoulder.

"I want him back, Pol."

"I know, Pipes. I miss him too. He was my little buddy." The redhead smiled sadly. "But no matter how unfair this is, we still have lives to live."

Pulling her head back, Piper looked at the redhead. "I don't anymore. When my son was taken from me, they took my life with him." Her face was expressionless, her voice soft. She wasn't angry at Pol. The redhead still _did_ have a life. But in the place where Piper's heart used to be was only black nothingness. When she had to bury her son, she buried her heart with him. She drifted through the motions of other people's life but she felt detached, unhinged. She didn't know what she did anymore; barely functioning, going on for the sake of going on.

"Pipes…I think…I think you need professional help to go through this."

"I don't want help."

"But-"

"No. I don't want help."

"It could-"

"I said no!" Piper's voice grew loud and she was getting annoyed. "I don't want help. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to sit around 45 minutes in front of some old dude and talk while he listens, just to have him tell me what others tell me the whole time and pay money for it!"

Silence surrounded them for a few moments before Piper got up and looked around. "I remember still having another bottle of vodka…" She mumbled to herself.

"I emptied it." Polly braced herself for another outburst but it didn't come. She caught on, on how Piper's body tensed and how she took a calming breath. The blonde then nodded in acknowledgement to what Polly said and opened a shelf, taking out a package of cigarettes.

The redhead raised an eyebrow. "You are not only borderline alcoholic but you smoke now too?"

"I smoke again. Remember college?"

Polly nodded but now before making a mental note on how Piper didn't deny the alcoholic part. They walked towards a window. Piper opened it and lit the cigarette, taking a deep drag and inhaling the smoke deeply. They were silent for a few moments before Piper spoke again. "I'm sorry for shouting at you." She looked back at the redhead. "I don't know when the last day I didn't cry. I barely am surviving the days, Pol. I…I am not ready to talk and _analyze_ my son's death."

Polly nodded. She could understand that. Maybe she shouldn't have jumped at Piper like that with the idea of a therapist. Maybe she should have just suggested it. But there was something else and there was no room for discussion. "Could you at least join an AA or NA group? Please?"

Instead of answering, Piper took another last drag, before putting it out on the ashtray on her windowsill.

"You know that you have a drinking problem and alcohol has put you through enough pain to last you a lifetime already."

Piper looked out of the window, into the busy New Yorker streets, then glanced back at her best friend. "At least you were kind about it."

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a _fine_."

* * *

><p>Polly helped Piper with finding an NA group and when they found one and asked how it worked they were told to just join them. Polly insisted on accompanying the blonde and though Piper repeatedly told her that she didn't need to, she was grateful that that Polly wanted to the meeting with her.<p>

When they arrived at the building, Piper looked at her watch and was glad that they still had fifteen minutes. She pulled out her cigarette package and put one in her mouth before lighting it. The nicotine immediately helped to relax as she leaned against the wall. Polly waved her hand against the smoke, scrunching her face up.

"When we are done with this problem, I'll organize an intervention for your smoking."

Piper snorted at that thought. For the last three days she hadn't touched any kinds of alcohol and she craved it. But what Polly said to her carved itself deeply into her thoughts.

"_Alcohol has put you through enough pain to last you a lifetime already."_

Because of alcohol her baby boy was dead. She couldn't let her drinking get out of hand. What if she someday drank too much again and used her car? If there wasn't someone to stop her from drunk driving? If she hurt someone like that?

She had to win this. For herself. For her son.

After one last drag, she threw the cigarette butt down and put it out with the heel of her chucks. She and Polly walked inside and, after asking, where shown the room the NA meetings were held at. There was already a group of people there- a little less than twenty perhaps- and Piper felt out of place. Polly put a reassuring arm on her back before choosing a place to sit. Soon, they were followed by the rest as the group leader stepped up the stage

"Dear friends, I am glad we are together here again, in such a large number. I am glad because it again shows the dedication of this group here; the dedication to get away from our addictions." A few cheers were thrown in, making him smile. "When I look around I can already see a few new faces. Let me welcome you. My name is Mike Emrich and I will be your leader in this group. I will lead this group through these sessions but the whole group will help you through your addiction. We are family and friends in here and we all help each other." He made a small pause before continuing. "Let's start with the introductions. Why don't we start with you?" He pointed at Piper and Polly squeezed her hand.

"Go. You'll do great."

Piper took a calming breath and moved up to the stage behind the podium as the leader stepped away.

"So, please tell us your name and why you are here." Mike looked at her with a kind and reassuring smile. Almost professional.

"Yeah, um, hi." She looked towards the group, not really seeing anyone. "I…um, my name is Piper Chapman and I have a…drinking problem."

The group cheered and Piper couldn't help but give a timid smile. Mike smiled at her. "Very good, thank you, Piper. When you feel ready, you can talk more about your problem and how it came to be."

The blonde nodded before walking down and her heart almost stopped when she heard an all too familiar voice. "Welcome in our group, Piper Chapman."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So, only one more chapter left for this. I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget to review! And thanks for the reviews, favs and follows!<strong>


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